Scripts

Prince Steve - a monologue

Something exciting’s going on. I’d like to tell you but I can’t. People are always saying I should be on the telly. It’s never too late is it?

How old do you think I am? Forty-eight. I don’t look it do I? I was forty-eight on February 16^th. There’s nothing to me is there? Nine and a half stone and five foot eleven. I’m the same now as when I was twenty. Thirty inch waist these are. Do you know what keeps me thin? Dancing. That’s why they call me Prince, after Prince. People used to say, ‘Steve, you’re better than Prince.’ Catches on then don’t it? I don’t mind.

I go to Weston every Saturday. They know me in Ella’s. I didn’t go one week. Onion, on the door, he said they closed early and all went home. He says, I wish I had hair like you, Steve. He’s bald. I’ve got good hair. My mum had good hair.

I’ve been to Kudos but they don’t play a lot of eighties. I said to the DJ if you want me, on a quiet night, to start the dancing off and get things going - no charge, I said, all I ask is a pint of orange juice and lemonade, and that’s only because I sweat a lot. He said ‘Thanks, buddy.’ I said I’d give him my number but I couldn’t find it on this this new phone. I wish I’d got another Alcatel. I was used to that one. But Sarah said get the Vodafone. Sarah’s my friend. She works at Ella’s. She stays with me when her boyfriend locks her out. Sometimes he locks her in, but when he locks her out, she comes back to mine. She says my house is like a museum. It’s got gas light fittings and a pantry. You can’t see much for all the papers. She says I’ve got to stop bringing the Metro home. Read it and leave it on the bus she says. She says the National Trust would like my house.

I went to the National Trust shop, you know the one, near the Cathedral. It’s nice in there. They’ve got soap, tea towels, candles, robins – I’ll stop there. Sarah says I don’t have to list everything in my head, says it’s boring. I told the man in the shop what Sarah said about my house. I said, ‘Send somebody round if you like. I told him about the mice. They like bananas they do, so I put mine in a carrier and hang it on a chain over the bath. That fools them. Sarah laughed when she saw it. I got a leaflet says you can catch things from mouse piddle, and the other. I’m polite so I won’t say ‘shit’. My sister would. She moved to Macclesfield. You can get salmonella, viral meningitis and leptospirosis. Sarah says if I can remember words like that I’m not stupid.

What I want is a pink jacket with fringes. I’ve got a picture on my phone if I can find it. Here we are. I showed it to the man in Peter Douglas. He sent me over here. I said I want to look like Prince. He said, ‘William or Harry?’ I said, ‘No, Prince the singer.’ I know he’s only five foot two, so I’m – (counts on fingers) three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven – nine inches taller, but it don’t matter. I feel like him when I’m dancing. Sarah says I’m just as sexy. I said don’t let Callum – that’s her boyfriend – don’t let Callum hear you say that. He might get jealous might he? You never know. He’s a good looking bloke and he’s got a job at Yeo Valley so he’s got no worries. I will say I’ve got better hair. He must like me though – he did tread on my phone but I believe him when he says it was an accident. He’s the one who told me about Britain’s Got Talent. Have you seen that programme? Did you see it when the dog won? BGT they call it, the programme, not the dog.

Oh, I might as well tell you now I’ve got this far. The BGT scouts will be in Ella’s next Saturday. Callum says I’ve got to look the part and work on my routine. I showed you what I’m after, a pink jacket with fringes. They’ve got nothing with fringes in Peter Douglas. I’ve got money. I’m with the co-op(shows bank slip). See, that’s the date, that’s how much I’ve got: £63.80 till next Tuesday. That’ll change when I’m on the telly won’t it? I wish Mum was alive to see me.

Callum says it’s the chance of a lifetime and I agree. He said don’t tell anyone, not even Sarah, so don’t you say anything will you? Sarah says I shouldn’t believe everything I hear but you wouldn’t lie about something like that would you?